Identity Crisis

I remember a time, 

Where i'd sit at the keyboard

and the words would flow like a wild waterfall into a lake during rainy season,

I would not even have to think but there the words would be. 

There in those words, secrets would unfold and I would emerge from those words with complete clarity of mind. 

But here I am... Struggling so completely.

My past, so deeply buried, left behind...

Yet still fresh in my mind, haunting me day by day...

Who was I? Who am I? Where did I go?

Who am I to become?

It's hard to let go of the past when you hold such strong emotions to certain things that happened.

Such strong emotions attached to events which honestly, you'd have done best to avoid. 

But hey, many poisons have that sort of addictive effect.

Maybe, I'm just being entirely vague about this situation. 

But how do I explain? How can I explain to people who are so incapable of grasping what it is I mean? 

The most frustrating part is that people don't even care to understand!

Look at this world, look at the injustices, look at the way people are.

What happens? People don't care anymore?

They don't even want to care, they don't even want to understand... because it means dropping any preconceived notions. They think It means abandoning the person we have grown attached to being. 

But it doesn't at all, it just means letting go of old pointless beliefs, getting rid of silly generalisations. Making room for something different. 

Funny, me talking about this. But I couldn't do it when I was put in that situation. It hurt too much. But maybe that hurt was just a sign that the others involved weren't capable of the same. Maybe we need a mass conscious shift into a state where we drop all of our preconceived beliefs. Stop generalising completely. Give people room to be more than what we pin them down to be.

If you followed this, then well done. If you didn't. Don't worry, most people haven't got a clue what I'm talking about most of the time.

Fuck you humanity.

Dear humanity,

Fuck you humanity for being lead by your greed and your impatience and your lack of compassion, not just for your fellow humans but for the other beings living on this planet and for the planet itself,
Fuck you for being a plague on our home,
Fuck you for taking and taking over and over again and never giving back,
Fuck you for brainwashing our citizens so much that they can't even fucking see what has gone on,
Fuck you for dulling down the populations so much that nobody can fucking think for themselves anymore and barely anyone seems to truly understand the impact we have on the world around us.
Fuck you for your stupid monetary investments into "making the world a better place" while all the while further destroying our beautiful globe of light and life,
Fuck you for continuing the lust for power and for bombing and killing loads and loads of people just for oil and again monetary gain,
Fuck you for trying to convince us all there's nothing to worry about when there really is,
Fuck you for pushing so many into spiraling depression so that we are so deep in our personal hell that we are too weak to do anything about it
Fuck you for preaching a world of love while all the while deceiving everyone.
Fuck you for being human. Fuck you for being lead by mundane temptations. Fuck you for giving people the "illusion of power" while all the while further distracting them so that they can't actually do anything with that power.
Fuck you humanity for being so fucking weak and just letting these sins run wild.
Fuck you humanity, you selfish selfish beings.

Fuck me for not being able to do anything but write this stupid fucking piece in hopes that I'm not the only fucking 10 headed alien on this planet who actually fucking gives a shit and fucking sees that something needs to change, and although i agree we all need to do our internal bit, I have to ask when does thought become action? Because thinking and contemplating the possibility of change is no good if none of us are willing to put those thoughts into action and actually make a sodding fucking difference.

Fuck you, humanity! Fuck you.

Je t'aime! J'adore! 😂

Behind the jealousy and anxiety hidden inside,
There lies this feeling, hard to hide,
For deep in the burrows of my soul,
Lies a story that remains untold,
For the contract we made together in the last life, is still to unfold.
We made a deal, a vow to live,
to do what's right, my heart I give

Connected by that red thread that ties our souls together.
If you want that contract broken let me know
For I'm the only one who can let go.
I forgive you my dear, for all previous woe.
Just know you can choose a different game to unfold.
I will be my light and give you compassion and caring,  I will break down now and again but I will keep my barings

Remember this, for I fly like the dove,
Bringing harmony to all, from up above.
I guess it's just down to you now!

Take a chance on....

The intensity from within

The emotions I'm feeling,
Of how I am dealing
This heart was once so closed off
Trusting was just never enough,
Look at me, I'm yours for the taking,
But of what I'm afraid of you breaking.
I can't handle these feelings no more,
Letting myself fall, what am I doing this for?
I want to run away but at the same time I can't hide,
Of all the times, this concept I've lied.
I never knew what it was to feel,
But now I know it's all too real.
Its intensity, in all forms, confusion a must, separated into pieces of bruises and trust. For now I see that my love was never enough, it was not true, it was not love, it WAS lust.

For love should not be as romanticised as it is, it's more than just the warm fuzzy from within... It's this mixture of feelings all scrambled in to one, it's creating a connection with someone of whose soul can not be won.
Its creating a bond far beyond this plane of existence,
It's breaking free of your own shackles and finding some persistence,
It's practicing patience and knowing the shadows of the self. Its not wanting to look at somebody else, not out of fear of upsetting the other person but just simply because you're not interested.

Wow, how intense is this feeling I have.

Change the story, Sadness is not needed

The demons jump up,
they start to scag my clothes, they leave me scarred, a broken mess on the floor,
They shake me and rattle me until I can't take no more,
But here I am, healing they say
and i seem to be gaining the patience and will to face each day

My poetry was once so negative,
change it around, make it so I face each day,
with a ray of light,
a dazzle of day
It will all be okay.

I will show everyone, I will prove myself wrong
Why look upon everything, without a little bird song,

Realise eachothers discipline

A heart is hidden so deep in sorrow, Lost in the burrows of hidden remorse, Invisible from the light of the torch, As only shadows can be seen for the most... But the light is at the end of this tunnel. Falling for your closest friend, There's only so long you'll pretend. You know if you say something, he'll only offend. I'm finally ready for my punishment to end. I understand now what I've done to those, Those who confided in me praised the rose, But here I am, falling in woe. Oh love slightly tragic, I don't want to let go. Is this real, or a fragment of my mind, Am I making the same mistake of being blind, I see the flaws, but I can not hide behind, These feelings that are real and oh so sublime. They do not make sense to me at all, A cognitive repulsion lead to this call, A weird backwards attraction, the one that made me fall, Through the sky, no longer able to crawl, One day there will be no need for that wall. Letting the healing progress, And what is more, You have somehow become the one I adore. So I guess finally, I shall say my farewell, You know I was never made for this hell, I'm destined for more than being fool to your spell. I'll meet you again in another realm, You'll just be yet another story to tell... Or better yet see you another year, When both of us become more "mature", I'm talking of course, of a self-love that is pure, If only this happens, then we'll be eachothers cure But for now, I'll follow knowledge of numbers and questions on the universe, I'll become more self-disciplined and focus on each verse, Structure my life away from the hearse, Meditation and discipline, must come first. Passion into study, focus of mind, Determination, realise that love is blind. Deeper understanding will be my find, The higher dimensions will assist from being left behind. For knowledge is what I wish to observe, Truth I wish to conserve. I believe that is what I deserve. A lonely Road yet it may be, But a place where my mind will be free. Blessed be.

The fear of reality of going completely insane

I feel like my hues are muted,
Like I'm coloured outside the line.
I feel like my mind is polluted,
Like gray flowing down my spine.

Don't get the wrong impression,
I am not caught in a deep hole,
This is not black depression,
It's a dampening of my soul.

The blues of my skies are pink,
And the yellows of my sand is green,
My brain is too dull to think,
The slate is totally clean.

My palette just has shades of gray,
Nothing too dark or exciting,
The doctor wants it that way.

Don't get me started on writing,
The words just won't come to me,
For each letter, I am fighting,
So I can help you see,
How I want to flirt with insanity.

I crave the bright white,
And I do not fear depravity,
I will be high as a kite!
In a wondrous thunderstorm,
With rainbows and lightning!

The white will keep me warm,
While everything is frightening!
But mania stings like a bee,
And once it dies it unlocks
And sets the depression free
From out of pandoras box
Flows the reaper,
He drags me in deeper!

Do you want to hurt yourself?
Mark an x in the box...
Do you want to kill yourself?
No I won't stop my clock!
Love and curiosity keep me around!
What will be? How will they react?

Bring me back to the ground...
But oh this is all hypothetical...
I wouldn't do this another time,
It's just all theoretical.

I'm joking, I make big talk,
I'm terrified too much!
With this illness I won't walk
Without my crutch.
This little white pill,
Which makes life ordinary.

But I'll hold onto this fantasy still,
Of the extreme extraordinary!
But I won't let it tempt me,
Because of the fear of reality,
Of going completely insane.