Nobody Writes for You

Happy, I appear,
Quiet.
Within me, a fear.
I may be at a loss,
Aspirations wasted,
Time passes by,
Every breath taken,
Trying not to cry.

I try,
I try to overcome,
Every doubt,
Dark thought,
Clouds my mind,
Let it out?

When I do,
Unheard I remain,
Worse, it becomes.
I focus on pain,
It begins to focus on me
It grows, it grows
I end up back at the beginning,
Looking out at all the progress,
I believed was made,
Only to realise,
It's all part of the game,
Deceipt to self,
Failure to overcome,
Being less than ordinary.

It always goes back
To accepting nothingness,,
I am nobody,
I am invisible,
I am a slave to society,
A servant of existence,

Freedom is but a fairy tale,
I am not asleep.
Winter is here,
Struggling to think on my feet,

Like the trees have shed their leaves,
I have shed my armour...

all that remains, a cold, lifeless skeletal structure.

I lie here naked.
It is just that.

You can't paint a pigeon pink and call it a flamingo.

Hello... It has been some time...
I've missed you, I've missed sharing my life with you... I've missed our conversations... 
I've missed that greatest self... The self that was sacrificed in your presence... And now I've neither that nor you. 

Having changed so much.
Changed into someone who never was before recognised... 

Accepted the reality of nothingness, nothing more or less than any, 
No one to see, barely being, 
 not much to offer,

Just disconnect and loss of sense of self.

Once an embraced illusion of depth of mind,
Fake imagery, false persona,
All becoming blind.
But in matters of reality

The raw realness of it all...
The vulnerable and less exciting version.
Underneath the disguise of a flamboyant flamingo standing out among a flock of fleeting pigeons,
Only to discover that you can't paint a pigeon pink and call it a flamingo.
You can't sellotape peacock feathers to a turkey and call it a peacock. 

Yet dye my hair mad colours and wear wacky clothing and immediately people think of a passionate creative socialite.

 Braid in various colours of wool and people immediately assume some hippy or gypsy type. 

Being not. Just another human.
Neither of the conformist nor the nonconformist.
Neither good nor bad.
Not the softest of individuals but then again Not the hardest.

The big meh.

Neither here nor there.
And that is that.

Could always be worse.
Could have been someone...
Sounds like an awful lot of responsibility.

Identity Crisis

I remember a time, 

Where i'd sit at the keyboard

and the words would flow like a wild waterfall into a lake during rainy season,

I would not even have to think but there the words would be. 

There in those words, secrets would unfold and I would emerge from those words with complete clarity of mind. 

But here I am... Struggling so completely.

My past, so deeply buried, left behind...

Yet still fresh in my mind, haunting me day by day...

Who was I? Who am I? Where did I go?

Who am I to become?

It's hard to let go of the past when you hold such strong emotions to certain things that happened.

Such strong emotions attached to events which honestly, you'd have done best to avoid. 

But hey, many poisons have that sort of addictive effect.

Maybe, I'm just being entirely vague about this situation. 

But how do I explain? How can I explain to people who are so incapable of grasping what it is I mean? 

The most frustrating part is that people don't even care to understand!

Look at this world, look at the injustices, look at the way people are.

What happens? People don't care anymore?

They don't even want to care, they don't even want to understand... because it means dropping any preconceived notions. They think It means abandoning the person we have grown attached to being. 

But it doesn't at all, it just means letting go of old pointless beliefs, getting rid of silly generalisations. Making room for something different. 

Funny, me talking about this. But I couldn't do it when I was put in that situation. It hurt too much. But maybe that hurt was just a sign that the others involved weren't capable of the same. Maybe we need a mass conscious shift into a state where we drop all of our preconceived beliefs. Stop generalising completely. Give people room to be more than what we pin them down to be.

If you followed this, then well done. If you didn't. Don't worry, most people haven't got a clue what I'm talking about most of the time.

Losing the way

Oh I wish I wish,
I wish I could stop,
Believing in what I'm not,
I wish I could stay secure in my mind
But I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be
I'm weak, and deluded and wish I could just be free
The truth of this society
It hurts me, it makes me bleed intermittently
I wish for more and then I know its worthless
Because ultimately I feel worthless.
But I don't always feel this way,
The majority of time I'm upbeat and unafraid
But then these moments come around, where everything is too much, everything is overwhelming, the noises of cupboard doors crashing, the sounds of people coughing and sneezing, the buzz of electricity through the house, I could hear a pin drop and I would surely yelp.
I begin to ache for some sort of freedom, to be cleansed from the world that I live in.
Everything is too much, I feel it deep inside.
This is life's emotional roller coaster ride.
People with their high energy vibrations of annoyance and fear, I'm sensitive to them being near. I feel they're annoyance and I can no longer protect myself.
I feel the vibrations of poverty and lack of self belief. And ultimately I lose my belief.
If only for a minute or two.
So I get lead in by these emotions as I struggle to know what to do,
I yearn to go back to my highest moods,
But reality reels me in and so I am forced to begin again, ultimately having made decisions I can not undo.
And in this I recognise that I will never be more,
I'm stuck and lost and
I don't feel I deserve much more
Because I'm hard work as a person and well, mistakes! I've made plenty,
So leave me be, i will only drag you somewhere you don't wish to go.
And it goes to show,
I'm not meant to glow,
I'm not meant to shine,
I'm meant to Bury myself 5 feet under.
I'm meant to give up on going yonder.
Spare me your sonder.
I'm up those stairs then back down again. I make progress and then it's taken away.
I take it away from myself. So inevitably, there's nobody to blame but myself.
I am in control of my mind but what happens when you stop being a sociopath? The emotions come back.
I am human, I forgive myself for this much.
This is just a temporary setback.
Reacting impulsively, that's a fact.
Reel it in, stop, breathe. Take off the mask.

Welcome back

I've integrated back into the matrix,
That is all
Give it time
I will reap what I sow
Just watch me
No more will I be confined by other people values and beliefs
I have my own to live by
Keep going
Plod on.

I've dealt with this stuff for many years, seeing beyond the fabric of reality is no easy task, because when you see too much, it can leave a person crippled.
But one thing I failed to acknowledge for so long is that what I was picking up in others wasn't definitive of others but of myself and my own insecurities, this is something I've preached for some time, but i only ever applied it to other people's point of view. No actually that's a lie, I forgot somewhere down the line that it is true for myself also... Like somehow I'm not included in these rules and laws...
But I am, I'm a human after all... And honestly no matter how much you fool yourself of your own authenticity and individualism, you're still just human.
Nothing wrong with that... We're individuals yet we're a collective...

For ages I did not want to drag people into my hole, it was my hole afterall... I felt almost possessive of it... For one I figured the darkness would be too hard for people to bare even in its coated darkness and the light well I tried to share as much of that as possible but then I'm just leading people into that light with no warning of the darkness... Its like telling someone the direction but with no warning of the terrains they'd be encountering... Like telling someone to search for an igloo wearing nothing but some shorts and a tank top.... Setting them up for failure really....

I still have the memories of what occurred, of how my own reality became distorted in my attempts to clutch onto a reality with seemingly much more to offer... But going down that road... It was too much really, it was not sustainable... It was to a world where there was either success or failure.... No middle ground... There was extreme highs and extreme lows... That kind of emotional energy has to yield consequences....

I know through passing that if the body can steady out its frequency and stay in a calm state, not too high and not too low, then the body can become immune to all... Its all about balance... Although some may disagree...

But anyway
.. I'm back...

Went on this grand mental adventure to find myself only to find I've been with myself all along... But even though nothing has really changed... EVERYTHING is different...
I guess I know myself a lot better now
Maybe I'm just crazy hey?
Or maybe I'm completely sane?
I'll let you decide.

For now
I'd like to say goodbye to many things,
Goodbye to a mind without focus
Goodbye to judgements - self imposed and otherwise
Goodbye to the know-it-all attitude I've developed...
Goodbye to fake friends
Goodbye to feeling less than what I am
Goodbye to self-limiting beliefs
And goodbye to my need to control my life completely...
Fact is the beauty of life is the twists and turns of it
The beauty of life is the not knowing
The beauty of life lies in looking beyond the treachery and seeing only gratitude
Seeing the rose from the thorns
Seeing the beauty of the snow instead of the death of the land..
Everything goes full cycle
Things get better then booosh they get worse...
This is okay...

Life would be boring if all was perfect... I truly believe that

That being said I don't plan to head down the self destructive path on purpose ever again
Time to get back on track
See that spiral staircase?
I'm going up it... Not down...

Going down it... Well it didn't feel too good going too deep down...
The pressure squeezed my head too much
It squeezed my heart and chest to a point I couldn't breathe and my hands and arms went all numb...
It felt like I was having a heart attack... That's no good really is it?
That was warning enough...
But then in my treacherous attempt to balance, I just bounced the opposite way, run, run, run, jump, fly.... Fly so high...
Just to reach lower earth orbit and to plummet back down, with my wings damaged and my ego more than bruised....
Just stay on ground for a bit...
Walk around, marvel at what is....
Maybe fly short distances for practise...
Eventually these wings I've sewed back on with golden ethereal thread... They'll build up some more strength and I'll develop more control and we'll all fly again soon...

I have faith in my self.
I trust myself.
And I know that I am enough.
Just as I am.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read the ramblings of a lost little Welsh girl.

It's been a pleasure. 

Banging my head against a concrete slab expecting different results

I'm stuck

In at home where no matter what I do or say
I get dragged down
I'm stuck with shit finances barely managing to get by
I'm stuck with people who when I ask for a hand with anything, it's too much for them
I'm stuck because I can not afford to pay for a simple bloody driving test
I'm stuck because even when I do finish that driving test
My car is getting towed tomorrow for a debt I did not even know existed until this month
I'm stuck because I help people out and expect nothing in return
I'm stuck because I keep giving and giving to the wrong fucking people
And why do I do it?
Because I fucking hate the way this world works
Because I hope that maybe one day they'll stop being so selfish and actually realise and somehow change

I'm stuck because I put myself in this position
I'm stuck because I didn't take the easy way out

Now
Being honest to myself
I see that
I don't exactly have real friends
The 2 people I live with care more about what I can do for them than anything else
I hate asking people for a way out
Because I feel like a burden
On others, on myself
I contemplate suicide frequently
Down the river, down the river shannon
But I can't do that, it would be wrong to those around me
They may not know how to care but I know it would tear them up if I was gone completely
Maybe I'll die
Constantly convinced something wants me dead
Convinced I'll get a brain tumor
Or a severe lung problem
Or maybe I'll get attacked

I try my fucking hardest
And it's not good enough for anyone
It's good enough for me for a little while
But then other people get involved
They knock me down again and again
And honestly
I think I'm reaching my threshold of what I can take.
I don't want to hurt anyone
I never want to hurt anyone
But it's hurting me.

Circles
Round and round we go
Where we stop no one knows

Stop the world
I want to get off

At least send me a few grand to start me off
Can't drive still.
It's been a fucking year.

People who said they'd help me
Never really did, they just assisted in isolating me and making me feel less than me
But hey I got to remember they've helped me with plenty
They've helped me create problem after problem
They've helped me hurt myself
They've helped convince me I'm incapable of being alone
They've torn at my independence

Be fucking grateful
Could all be worse

You could be lying in a hearse.

Fuck you guys.

Youre meant to care.

Fuck you. Selfish twats.

When I lived on my own I helped friends out when they were in the shit. Yet I feel like a burden to ask others.

I'm banging my head against a brick wall

Again on my own
Who else have I got
Don't want to drag people down

Around and around

Help me for fuck sake
Selfish world

I can talk
I'm pretty selfish too
I have a good habit of throwing away my escapes... If its not for the right reason I won't do it.

We all are selfish
So can I really blame them

I just need a way out
Free me from these fake etheric chains

Sell sell sell

Sell my stuff
Sell my stuff
Ps3 and games
Sell the books
Sell clothes
Burn old work
Sell instruments this is the hard one

Or just kill myself
That's an option too
But that would be selfish of me to do

Fuck you

Leaving

I opened my eyes to see
All we believe
A fictitious fantasy
Made into reality

My scars of you remind me
They remind me of the love that should have been
Of that journey I was unable to embark on

Was it wrong to leave?
Was it wrong to flee?
Right and wrong are determined by the individual
Right for me but ultimately
I gave in to my ego
I miss you

I will always miss you.

Decisions made too impulsively
Confused by the world
Confused by how to correctly be
Confused by differing personalities

Decisions not made by me,
But by the other me.

Will I ever be able to settle?
When each part wants different things?
This is why I ventured into polyamory...

Fucked if I know how to correctly be
Fucked if I know how to be obedient
Fucked if I know how to overcome the issues of the self

Fucked
If
I
Know
Fucked
If
I
Don't

10 minute challenge. Topic - someone looking for something.

She had been searching and searching deep within her heart, yearning for more, but tell me this... What was she even searching for?

Everyone looked at her with blind confusion, they were aware that she was looking for something, when they asked her what it was she was searching for, she'd just say, "I don't know, I'm yet to find it".
They looked at her like she was crazy and she couldn't really blame them, she understood why they thought this about her.
All she knew at that point was that when she found what she was looking for, she would know it was found. That void inside her would be filled, her yearning would stop.

Maybe this had a lot to do with why she was always finding herself in and out of different relationships, maybe she was looking for love or maybe she was just looking for her self; now that's an interesting idea... Why would someone be looking for themselves? When you're always with yourself, so it makes no sense how she could have lost herself in order to set out to search for her self in the first place!

Maybe... She was just searching for a reason to stay alive, some sort of meaning to all this jargon we call life. I mean, she couldn't see the point of it all, really. The way she saw it; we wake up, we eat our breakfast, clean ourselves up and then carry on with our drab, little, predictable, somewhat meaningless lives and repeat daily, without taking a second to take it all in.

Zoom out, further and further and you begin to see just how insignificant we really are. This is what she realised.
We're not even a blim, we're tiny little grains of nothingness, when you look at us on a cosmic scale. Yet, we're able to consciously perceive our own existence and the very fact of how insignificant we really are.... This is what made her think, "there's no way our existence is completely meaningless, if we are all this insignificant yet we have the ability to even comprehend our insignificance... Then automatically we can't be all that insignificant in the first place. "

Maybe she was just looking for a shred of hope in this destructive and dark world, surrounded by hateful actions and painful lies, people disguising what truly lies inside and discrediting the damage we inflict in our lives, discrediting what it means to exist...

Nonetheless, whatever it was she was looking for, she had confidence she would find it.

Consequential loss

Give me a reason give me a reason
This isn't what i wanted
Won't you stay a while
Why would i have the audacity to think it of you
Why would i do it
Why why why
I don't understand
Where are my morals
What have i done
When will i stop
This will never be enough
It's all meaningless
I know i did the right thing for me
But even still it's not what i actually wanted
None of it is
And here i am
Sat
In my own guilt and shame
In my sea of disdain
And I am to blame
Entirely to blame
I shouldn't have met them
Why did i meet them
I can't fix this mess
I can't do anything about it
This is the price i pay for having been
Impulsive
And for
Flying too close to the sun

Send healing to those I've effected
It doesn't right this wrong
It doesn't write this wrong
Please

Find it somewhere deep inside you to forgive me

I forgive me
Although it's not been easy.

I vow never to do this to anyone ever again
I vow to take responsibility
And not let it get this far again

I'm devastated.

I've broken a little girls dream
And for what?
To escape a relationship that was too real for me?

I am ashamed of myself.

Why do i do this shit, it's like I'm 2 different people sometimes.

I never wanted to hurt anyone.

I've become someone i never wanted to be...

But it was in my best interest.

I wasn't strong enough

I'm sorry 😕 from the bottom of my tainted heart.

I am so fucking sorry.

Sincere messages from the angel of now

If you only knew the things i know
If only you could trust the fall
Face your demons
Stop putting on a show
There's more to yourself than you even know
But darling I know exactly what you're about, i know what you do I know what you say behind my back, the knife feels fresh within my ethereal flesh
How you've seriously let me down.
But forgiveness is something i am willing to give for some time
For... I can see your inner divinity
Your true self hasn't an ounce of doubt
Your soul knows the way.
So stop being a slave and face your fate.
Hiding behind an illusory mask, which is sure to crack.
Let it be known, you'll be on your own.
But yet you keep assuming the fool
But this fool is really the high priestess
And not your tool.

I offer servitude and love out of the kindness of my being,
I offer you a chance to grow, to do the right thing to protect your young ones to let them shine by ultimate design.
But it all starts with you.

Remember honey, not every woman is the same. Remember that not everyone else is to blame. Remember you can regain your light and divinity... Find love of life again... Without hurting those in your name.

Only if you want to.

I forgive thee. By the power of three I send to you health and prosperity, but only whence you take thy leap.
You reap what you sow...
Sow the seeds, your life could be your ultimate dream. Void of fiendish tactics, your true dream. The one you feel you are undeserving of and so chuck the possibilty aside for momentary meaningless rides.

If this is not what you need then please say your fairwell because you're not just wasting your time, you're wasting mine aswell.

The proxy pinnacle

It may seem at times that I'm not listening
But listen i have just wont take it in
As you may believe in order to see
I must see in order to believe
I am the master of my reality
No bother fussing over silly synchronicities
Life is best when i am free
So let me be and with you I'll be
Leave behind your forgotten splendor
Heaven exists where there is not
Where the clock strikes 4.20
I'll give you plenty
If that is what you want then that will be my decree
But i can see that's not for thee
I can see your thirst for more
A life of success and true amor
You're a softie really just like me
Guess that's why i tolerate your discrepancies
I know you care although i don't know why
I know you see through my lies
But thats just a hideous disguise to mask my truth, from you i hide
If i let you in you'll betray my trust
Knocking down my walls
Should not be a must
For they are forged with stainless steel, layered with concrete and bonemeal
They block out all to a certain extent
Intricate flowers decorate the cracks.
Bonified protection, my certain repent.

For you see I do not truly like the person I have become, I've come to terms with the things I've done, I'm content in knowing i am who i am but I'm not willing to look more into myself because in truth, deep inside hides hell.

For you my rock, i understand.
I'll be here to help you through your hell just as you have helped me to stand up and stop crawling.
Thank you dear, for your angelic hand
I needed it more than i care to admit.
This love is pure... no doubt of it.