Longing for freedom

What a curious world we live in,
Where paying our bills is our priority,
Where working our arses off is our philosophy,
Where 'growing up' is mandatory.
And yet, none of us see.

We were all once children,
We were wild, we were free.
We lived in the world of the imaginary,
Where anything was possible, where we could simply be.
Why have we lost our purity?
Where is our humility?
Why can't we be free?

We went through childhood,
We were conditioned and taught how to see,
How to breath, yet not how to believe,
Life was broken into sections, our imaginations constricted, our realities restricted,
Our paths depicted, generalised into the unimportant, yet made to believe they were important.

Lunacy.
We now lack our empathy, we now lack generosity, curiosity and most of all, humanity!
In a world built up of such beauty, how is it that we no longer see?
Why are we not free? Please help me understand what happened to me?

What happened to that little girl, who once saw the beauty in everything?
That little girl who was unafraid to say anything?
That little girl who admired all artistry?
That little girl, who was oh so slightly cheeky?
Where did she go? Why isn't that me?

I guess I just wish I could still see. Through the eyes of that child, who was once me.


Thoughtful Extension As the animals roam so wildly and so care free,
As the horses that run through the fields full of love and joy, not caring about their destiny, but possessing the ability to simply be.
Oh, how i wish to live with no worry of warranty, to live so naturally,
How I long for that ability! How I long to BE SILLY!
To be so gracefully ungraceful, to laugh, to cry, to not live this lie.
For existence to return to how it should be.
To live among the trees, to dream the biggest dreams!

To hold those of whome I love, to be loved for being me...
I wish to open my eyes, to see what lies behind, what we've all been conditioned to see.

Thoughts

Head. Confused. Stressed. Lost.
Cloudy. Broken. Dazed.

What am I to do? I need help. I need support. I can't rely on others though.
Why would I?
People ruin everything.

People can take the truth and mould it. They may not even mean to, they just accidentally end up moulding it. What a mess.

People don't understand. It's why I'm afraid. Afraid to leave, afraid to confront.
But that fear is outweighed.
I'm also afraid to lose people. I can't trust anyone, but that doesn't stop me getting attached. No, if only it did.

I'm lost.

Help me.

Life illusions

What if this is all an illusion

What if I'm actually sat in a mental asylum, just sat in the corner rocking back and forth, stuck in my own little reality, where everyone isn't actually who they actually are?

What if I'm in a mental asylum, repeating my life before I got put in the mental asylum, In my head? This saying that I'll never actually know the truth, until I die.

What if I'm just a figment of someone else's imagination? What if I don't even exist and somebody else is just playing through my life in their head, as their own reality would be too messed up to think of, so they created a different character?

What if....? 

Serpent

My eyes are open, yet I cannot see
Everything is clouded over
My sight is cloudy,
It's all misted over, portraying my mind
In front of me it's hazy, but I'm not blind

I don't know what to expect,
From the python that flows around my mind, biting at the wires, causing some to intertwine

Yes that's all this is,
Something is destroying me,
It's all out of my control,
This is depravity

All of a sudden I'm okay to do what I know is wrong,
I'm not bothered,
I haven't any morals,
Although this shouldn't last long

This serpent from within has broken the ties
I no longer know wrong from right,
Or do I?
Maybe I just don't care.
Maybe everything I do is justifiable,
I'd like to claim that I'm unaware,
But I'm really not
This is all a lie

After the damage is done,
The python returns,
It weaves itself, it fixes the wires,
My vision gets hazy again,
But I want it that way,
It's my last stretch of humanity
I know so long as I can't see,
Everyone is okay,
They're safe from me.

This is what happens when I lose my sight
It's not something I can simply solve with a lense,
It's not something I can easily fight,
It's just the way reality bends,
When this souleating serpent, engulfs the light.

Lust

I think I'm falling in love with you.
But I'd rather fall in lust,

Give me pleasure, without the pain,
Give me closeness, without the trust,
Give me breathtaking, without the beauty,
Give me enjoyment without wasting time!
Give me everything you've got,
Without having to make you mine.

Feel the vital kiss,
With a mouth as smooth as oil,
Feel your body ripple,
With a pleasure that shall not spoil,
Feel the intense nature,
Through a single glance of skin,
Feel your whole mind fill with intensity,
As lust slowly enters in.

Let the animal devour you,
As your want becomes your need,
Let it destroy the morals inside you,
Until you're let loose and you're freed,
Of every tie you've ever been given,
Of everything you've known as wrong,
Now there's a point of living,
If you would just play along.

...still won't you just stay a while?
Can we just stay real close?
Talk to me, it makes me smile,
I like you more than most,
I do adore the pleasure,
But what follows, unthought of, is pain,
As I realise through this awful scene,
That you'll never be mine to gain.

If to 'thine own self be true ',
was the truest quote ever said,
Then you can forget the lust,
Just give me true love instead

Mistakes

Question. 

What does it mean to forgive someone?
What does it mean to betray someone?
How can you forgive someone if you can't first forgive yourself?
How can we move away from our mistakes!?

Mistakes... we're human! We make them!
We're the authors of our own stories! However we can't simply write the whole story out and expect no mistakes! It doesn't help that we may write in pen! You can't simply erase mistakes anyway! You can only put a line through them and move on, trying not to repeat them

Forgive me.

In a state of emotional disvalue right now.
It's difficult to eat.
Difficult to sleep.
Difficult to breath.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I just need some relief.
Need to be held.
Need to find peace.

My heart is aching,
My head is hurting,
Everything feels cold.
What have I done?
Why did I do it?
I wish I knew so I could explain it to you.
Not that you'd listen.

Please forgive me.
Please stay close.
I can't face losing you again.

Why does this hurt so much.
Please save me this pain.
I plead for forgiveness,
Only to be ignored.

Please.
Save me.
I beg of you.

The fear of reality of going completely insane

I feel like my hues are muted,
Like I'm coloured outside the line.
I feel like my mind is polluted,
Like gray flowing down my spine.

Don't get the wrong impression,
I am not caught in a deep hole,
This is not black depression,
It's a dampening of my soul.

The blues of my skies are pink,
And the yellows of my sand is green,
My brain is too dull to think,
The slate is totally clean.

My palette just has shades of gray,
Nothing too dark or exciting,
The doctor wants it that way.

Don't get me started on writing,
The words just won't come to me,
For each letter, I am fighting,
So I can help you see,
How I want to flirt with insanity.

I crave the bright white,
And I do not fear depravity,
I will be high as a kite!
In a wondrous thunderstorm,
With rainbows and lightning!

The white will keep me warm,
While everything is frightening!
But mania stings like a bee,
And once it dies it unlocks
And sets the depression free
From out of pandoras box
Flows the reaper,
He drags me in deeper!

Do you want to hurt yourself?
Mark an x in the box...
Do you want to kill yourself?
No I won't stop my clock!
Love and curiosity keep me around!
What will be? How will they react?

Bring me back to the ground...
But oh this is all hypothetical...
I wouldn't do this another time,
It's just all theoretical.

I'm joking, I make big talk,
I'm terrified too much!
With this illness I won't walk
Without my crutch.
This little white pill,
Which makes life ordinary.

But I'll hold onto this fantasy still,
Of the extreme extraordinary!
But I won't let it tempt me,
Because of the fear of reality,
Of going completely insane.