The intensity from within

The emotions I'm feeling,
Of how I am dealing
This heart was once so closed off
Trusting was just never enough,
Look at me, I'm yours for the taking,
But of what I'm afraid of you breaking.
I can't handle these feelings no more,
Letting myself fall, what am I doing this for?
I want to run away but at the same time I can't hide,
Of all the times, this concept I've lied.
I never knew what it was to feel,
But now I know it's all too real.
Its intensity, in all forms, confusion a must, separated into pieces of bruises and trust. For now I see that my love was never enough, it was not true, it was not love, it WAS lust.

For love should not be as romanticised as it is, it's more than just the warm fuzzy from within... It's this mixture of feelings all scrambled in to one, it's creating a connection with someone of whose soul can not be won.
Its creating a bond far beyond this plane of existence,
It's breaking free of your own shackles and finding some persistence,
It's practicing patience and knowing the shadows of the self. Its not wanting to look at somebody else, not out of fear of upsetting the other person but just simply because you're not interested.

Wow, how intense is this feeling I have.

Caught out

Not that it matters anyway,
but your heart is way ahead of your brains,
your actions are not what you think, they're what you feel;
ain't that so surreal?
Stumbling from place to place,
Forgetting to check the makeup all over your face,
this, you can't replace,
everything might be at stake,
your dreams unheard of,
hidden in the fogs of broken dreams,
trying to discover what this all means;
Nothing is truly ever as it seems,
but I guess you manifest your reality,
and if you want it shallow and mean,
you'll never discover what it all really means...

And so he'll keep looking curiously intrigued,
by what he perceives to be me.

Crystal clear.

People are like icicles dangling from a branch.

I feel like the branch, struggling to maintain my structural integrity just to keep them from falling, but they're gonna melt away eventually, anyway! So why waste my energy? All good things come to an end, all bad things come to an end. Everyone just has to walk their own path and be authentic.

I speak of authenticity in some of my poems, I write as if I know what I'm actually talking about. 

But the truth is I don't have a clue half the time. I'm very in tune with my emotions, but the truth is I spend so much time thinking into the emotions of others, processing those feelings, how they affect others, that I neglect myself. I can get something positive from them like for example, writing... which fuels me to do it more so, but I fail to actually approach my own emotional issues and hence deal with them in a very unhealthy way. The problem is I empathise so much with others because I feel I haven't got my own demons to contend with, I guess I get off on it that little bit. But, the truth is I do need to face my shadows. I'm human! no different to anyone else.

Maybe it's time for me to be that icicle on someone else's branch. I've always been afraid of making that trusting decision to just lean on others because I've convinced myself I don't need anyone and have made myself believe I am strong enough to help keep others on the right path... But if we all just focus on looking after ourselves and loving ourselves as much as we do one another, it is possible to expand and instead of just being one branch with icicles doomed to melt away eventually, we can all be strong branches, a part of one massive tree of life.

 I guess it's about zooming out once in a while and actually observing the bigger picture, but not only that, being able to zoom into that picture and notice the important things which keep the tree standing. We need to nurture that. Nobody else can do that for us better than we can ourselves. So maybe I don't need to be an icicle maybe I need to be a branch in the spring, nurturing itself, maintaining its structural integrity, but also connected to other parts of this tree, which once in a while may lend assistance when I need it, and if I get to that point where I'm fully sustained and looking after myself, then once in a while I'll have that energy spare to lend that helping hand. We all need to work together, but that doesn't mean sacrificing out lifeforce, it's about balance, as is everything in the life of a Libra! 

When I believe I am saying something from a good heart and coming from a place of understanding; I often end up adding to the issue because I haven't got the answer as much as I think I do sometimes. I am strong, yes. But I need to direct that strength to the right place! My heart, my head, my body, my soul. I need to stop feeding this consistent need to pick up other peoples pieces and start picking up my own pieces. One by one I can fit them together.  The analogy that comes to mind is that each piece is part of a jigsaw, but my skills are limited when it comes to fitting together pieces such as this, they're all funny four dimensional shapes, afterall! You can't expect a child to complete a 2D jigsaw they first few times they look at the pieces, it takes a while for them to understand what shapes fit where, and maybe even more importantly, what shapes don't fit there!

 If I piece together my being first, I will develop the necessary understanding of this kind of puzzle to help others piece themselves together. One thing is for certain, picking up random pieces and putting them in places where they seem to fit but in reality they don't actually fit, doesn't often help out. Of course, once in a while the probability of one piece actually fitting is there, but if I expect to consistently be that helping hand like I've always wanted to be I need to first recognise which pieces are meant to go where before poking my nose in like The Bodacious Bodach. [1]

I wrote this to order my thoughts. Reading over I can really see how muddled my head has been, but it's helped. So if by any chance ANYBODY reads this. Give it a try, writing down these thoughts, especially after you've had a deep chat with one of your closest friends, because it really can release a lot of confusion and frustration and set your head in the right place to slowly begin accomplishing you goals.

Forgive me.

In a state of emotional disvalue right now.
It's difficult to eat.
Difficult to sleep.
Difficult to breath.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I just need some relief.
Need to be held.
Need to find peace.

My heart is aching,
My head is hurting,
Everything feels cold.
What have I done?
Why did I do it?
I wish I knew so I could explain it to you.
Not that you'd listen.

Please forgive me.
Please stay close.
I can't face losing you again.

Why does this hurt so much.
Please save me this pain.
I plead for forgiveness,
Only to be ignored.

Please.
Save me.
I beg of you.