Nonsensical Reflection

I dreamt of you last night,
I dreamt of you in a new home,
with a new vibe,
you seemed happy...
Which is great...
No need for me to intervene....

I have actually thought about you a lot recently,
maybe it's because this time last year is where it all fell apart,
By that I mean, it's where I destroyed it,
I removed each brick one by one, from the bottom,
Like a game of Jenga,
It didn't fall,
I had to push it over...

A perfect story of self-sabotage....

So why?
I wonder,
Would I be feeling your yearning,
After I destroyed it so well,
A cheating, of honest proportions...
A fearing of perfection,
A path we could have gone down,
blocked by a wall that I built,
Out of fear that it could work,
Or was it more.... a knowing that there was something that I be not knowing?

I still wonder about that,
I still wonder what misinformation I was picking up on...

I do not think it was mere fear that held me back...
It was more…
There was something sneaky going on,
I was blindfolded in regards to something....

And a year on....
I am left still wondering...


I used to think that the truth always comes out eventually,
Now... I am not so sure.

Well...
At least my words have returned...
I missed being able to honestly reflect,
in the way I always did best.


I love you, I miss you and I hope life is treating you well.

The waves call to me

Encapsulated in the could have been and the should have been, 
restless in the moment,
 left behind recalling, 
what I am and what I am not,
 what I would give to be seen so purely 
to be embraced by the gentle loving arms of love and grace. 
I face it, I know what it is,
 I know how to diffuse it but no great art was made from those with no problems... 
No deep introspection happens without a cause to dive deep.
 Sweet serendipity, a bitterness I can not cease to bite into for fear of falling into the depth of the void, 
to a place of no noise, no sound around filling the mound of nothingness...
 so profound! Or maybe not, 
maybe just hell-bound….
 maybe there's no chance for a maybe in me, 
maybe giving up is the only way I can go the only way I can face... 
Maybe flirting with insanity is the way, that tight constricting embrace,
 the curse of awareness being you can't even be ignorant to your own bullshit,
 you see it as it is and in some ways that makes you reluctant to feed it...
 we do not need it...
 but around and around we go, 
it is needed to allow for meaning to come through,
 in the highs and the lows and the subtle in-betweens, 
the grass is greener where you water it, 
that's just the simple truth... 
and emotions are meant to flow through you... 
to hold them back is to deny our simple human nature... 
and tell me this? What is the point of incarnating, if we aren't allowed to experience the joys and pitfalls of incarnation?