Identity Crisis

I remember a time, 

Where i'd sit at the keyboard

and the words would flow like a wild waterfall into a lake during rainy season,

I would not even have to think but there the words would be. 

There in those words, secrets would unfold and I would emerge from those words with complete clarity of mind. 

But here I am... Struggling so completely.

My past, so deeply buried, left behind...

Yet still fresh in my mind, haunting me day by day...

Who was I? Who am I? Where did I go?

Who am I to become?

It's hard to let go of the past when you hold such strong emotions to certain things that happened.

Such strong emotions attached to events which honestly, you'd have done best to avoid. 

But hey, many poisons have that sort of addictive effect.

Maybe, I'm just being entirely vague about this situation. 

But how do I explain? How can I explain to people who are so incapable of grasping what it is I mean? 

The most frustrating part is that people don't even care to understand!

Look at this world, look at the injustices, look at the way people are.

What happens? People don't care anymore?

They don't even want to care, they don't even want to understand... because it means dropping any preconceived notions. They think It means abandoning the person we have grown attached to being. 

But it doesn't at all, it just means letting go of old pointless beliefs, getting rid of silly generalisations. Making room for something different. 

Funny, me talking about this. But I couldn't do it when I was put in that situation. It hurt too much. But maybe that hurt was just a sign that the others involved weren't capable of the same. Maybe we need a mass conscious shift into a state where we drop all of our preconceived beliefs. Stop generalising completely. Give people room to be more than what we pin them down to be.

If you followed this, then well done. If you didn't. Don't worry, most people haven't got a clue what I'm talking about most of the time.

Losing the way

Oh I wish I wish,
I wish I could stop,
Believing in what I'm not,
I wish I could stay secure in my mind
But I'm not as strong as I make myself out to be
I'm weak, and deluded and wish I could just be free
The truth of this society
It hurts me, it makes me bleed intermittently
I wish for more and then I know its worthless
Because ultimately I feel worthless.
But I don't always feel this way,
The majority of time I'm upbeat and unafraid
But then these moments come around, where everything is too much, everything is overwhelming, the noises of cupboard doors crashing, the sounds of people coughing and sneezing, the buzz of electricity through the house, I could hear a pin drop and I would surely yelp.
I begin to ache for some sort of freedom, to be cleansed from the world that I live in.
Everything is too much, I feel it deep inside.
This is life's emotional roller coaster ride.
People with their high energy vibrations of annoyance and fear, I'm sensitive to them being near. I feel they're annoyance and I can no longer protect myself.
I feel the vibrations of poverty and lack of self belief. And ultimately I lose my belief.
If only for a minute or two.
So I get lead in by these emotions as I struggle to know what to do,
I yearn to go back to my highest moods,
But reality reels me in and so I am forced to begin again, ultimately having made decisions I can not undo.
And in this I recognise that I will never be more,
I'm stuck and lost and
I don't feel I deserve much more
Because I'm hard work as a person and well, mistakes! I've made plenty,
So leave me be, i will only drag you somewhere you don't wish to go.
And it goes to show,
I'm not meant to glow,
I'm not meant to shine,
I'm meant to Bury myself 5 feet under.
I'm meant to give up on going yonder.
Spare me your sonder.
I'm up those stairs then back down again. I make progress and then it's taken away.
I take it away from myself. So inevitably, there's nobody to blame but myself.
I am in control of my mind but what happens when you stop being a sociopath? The emotions come back.
I am human, I forgive myself for this much.
This is just a temporary setback.
Reacting impulsively, that's a fact.
Reel it in, stop, breathe. Take off the mask.