Fear of letting go

My head feels heavy,
My mouth feels dry
I don't know what I'm writing because I'm high
I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing it
I  don't even know if this is it
In scared to change but scared to stay the same
I'm feeling insane, in a world so inane
I've repeated a routine that feels almost mundane
And I need to get out before I cut off my brain
I want to be free but I can't reap the truth
I stay in line because it keeps me aloof
It is the case that I can't see
I just don't know what I should be

Or how I should open up to the imaginary
Without losing grip of reality

Every good connection I've ever had
Has been wasted because I've had my eyes set on some other lad

Ain't that stupidly bad?

Aren't I living an idiotic fad

To be a musician that would be rad,
To be a psychologist with a curious head
To create truth maps using maths implying red
And that's how you can see she's run out of things she could have said.

Fuck being dead in a world full of zombies.
Take me now and save me the release. I'm hurting inside but I don't like to feel as I'm worried it'll hurt more than hot coal on my feet.

Thoughts

Head. Confused. Stressed. Lost.
Cloudy. Broken. Dazed.

What am I to do? I need help. I need support. I can't rely on others though.
Why would I?
People ruin everything.

People can take the truth and mould it. They may not even mean to, they just accidentally end up moulding it. What a mess.

People don't understand. It's why I'm afraid. Afraid to leave, afraid to confront.
But that fear is outweighed.
I'm also afraid to lose people. I can't trust anyone, but that doesn't stop me getting attached. No, if only it did.

I'm lost.

Help me.

Forgive me.

In a state of emotional disvalue right now.
It's difficult to eat.
Difficult to sleep.
Difficult to breath.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I just need some relief.
Need to be held.
Need to find peace.

My heart is aching,
My head is hurting,
Everything feels cold.
What have I done?
Why did I do it?
I wish I knew so I could explain it to you.
Not that you'd listen.

Please forgive me.
Please stay close.
I can't face losing you again.

Why does this hurt so much.
Please save me this pain.
I plead for forgiveness,
Only to be ignored.

Please.
Save me.
I beg of you.

The fear of reality of going completely insane

I feel like my hues are muted,
Like I'm coloured outside the line.
I feel like my mind is polluted,
Like gray flowing down my spine.

Don't get the wrong impression,
I am not caught in a deep hole,
This is not black depression,
It's a dampening of my soul.

The blues of my skies are pink,
And the yellows of my sand is green,
My brain is too dull to think,
The slate is totally clean.

My palette just has shades of gray,
Nothing too dark or exciting,
The doctor wants it that way.

Don't get me started on writing,
The words just won't come to me,
For each letter, I am fighting,
So I can help you see,
How I want to flirt with insanity.

I crave the bright white,
And I do not fear depravity,
I will be high as a kite!
In a wondrous thunderstorm,
With rainbows and lightning!

The white will keep me warm,
While everything is frightening!
But mania stings like a bee,
And once it dies it unlocks
And sets the depression free
From out of pandoras box
Flows the reaper,
He drags me in deeper!

Do you want to hurt yourself?
Mark an x in the box...
Do you want to kill yourself?
No I won't stop my clock!
Love and curiosity keep me around!
What will be? How will they react?

Bring me back to the ground...
But oh this is all hypothetical...
I wouldn't do this another time,
It's just all theoretical.

I'm joking, I make big talk,
I'm terrified too much!
With this illness I won't walk
Without my crutch.
This little white pill,
Which makes life ordinary.

But I'll hold onto this fantasy still,
Of the extreme extraordinary!
But I won't let it tempt me,
Because of the fear of reality,
Of going completely insane.