Just a helpful blog to write

I'm lying in my bed, I'm thinking through my life situation at the moment.

Recently everyone has been worried about me, I was so confused when people started saying they were worried, as to me everything was hunky dorey.
But fuck I finally can see.
I've been in the clouds for perhaps a bit too long.

I was failing to grieve for my past relationship and ignoring any of my feelings towards the subject. Blindly looking forward with no game plan. Idiocy.

I've honestly lost myself this past year. Its been hard getting me back. I guess that's why they say you need to lose yourself to find yourself. I changed so much and even I didn't realise it. Until now, where I've found myself and she's exactly the same as past me. I've been false as fuck this past year or so.

Wow.

Away with the fairies is an understatement.

I'm on earth again, I ran away because I didn't want to deal with anything, Ive been saying it's because it's boring, it's not boring though it's just scarey. I used to be very strong and pretty independent,but my ex made me feel like I needed to depend on someone. But truth is I was doing fine before he came along. He was adamant we could grow as people while we were together, but I think I went backwards during my relationship.

I created a false ego to help me keep my head in the clouds. I guess it's good to land once in a while, sooner or later these unresolved problems will rack eachother up.

Crystal clear.

People are like icicles dangling from a branch.

I feel like the branch, struggling to maintain my structural integrity just to keep them from falling, but they're gonna melt away eventually, anyway! So why waste my energy? All good things come to an end, all bad things come to an end. Everyone just has to walk their own path and be authentic.

I speak of authenticity in some of my poems, I write as if I know what I'm actually talking about. 

But the truth is I don't have a clue half the time. I'm very in tune with my emotions, but the truth is I spend so much time thinking into the emotions of others, processing those feelings, how they affect others, that I neglect myself. I can get something positive from them like for example, writing... which fuels me to do it more so, but I fail to actually approach my own emotional issues and hence deal with them in a very unhealthy way. The problem is I empathise so much with others because I feel I haven't got my own demons to contend with, I guess I get off on it that little bit. But, the truth is I do need to face my shadows. I'm human! no different to anyone else.

Maybe it's time for me to be that icicle on someone else's branch. I've always been afraid of making that trusting decision to just lean on others because I've convinced myself I don't need anyone and have made myself believe I am strong enough to help keep others on the right path... But if we all just focus on looking after ourselves and loving ourselves as much as we do one another, it is possible to expand and instead of just being one branch with icicles doomed to melt away eventually, we can all be strong branches, a part of one massive tree of life.

 I guess it's about zooming out once in a while and actually observing the bigger picture, but not only that, being able to zoom into that picture and notice the important things which keep the tree standing. We need to nurture that. Nobody else can do that for us better than we can ourselves. So maybe I don't need to be an icicle maybe I need to be a branch in the spring, nurturing itself, maintaining its structural integrity, but also connected to other parts of this tree, which once in a while may lend assistance when I need it, and if I get to that point where I'm fully sustained and looking after myself, then once in a while I'll have that energy spare to lend that helping hand. We all need to work together, but that doesn't mean sacrificing out lifeforce, it's about balance, as is everything in the life of a Libra! 

When I believe I am saying something from a good heart and coming from a place of understanding; I often end up adding to the issue because I haven't got the answer as much as I think I do sometimes. I am strong, yes. But I need to direct that strength to the right place! My heart, my head, my body, my soul. I need to stop feeding this consistent need to pick up other peoples pieces and start picking up my own pieces. One by one I can fit them together.  The analogy that comes to mind is that each piece is part of a jigsaw, but my skills are limited when it comes to fitting together pieces such as this, they're all funny four dimensional shapes, afterall! You can't expect a child to complete a 2D jigsaw they first few times they look at the pieces, it takes a while for them to understand what shapes fit where, and maybe even more importantly, what shapes don't fit there!

 If I piece together my being first, I will develop the necessary understanding of this kind of puzzle to help others piece themselves together. One thing is for certain, picking up random pieces and putting them in places where they seem to fit but in reality they don't actually fit, doesn't often help out. Of course, once in a while the probability of one piece actually fitting is there, but if I expect to consistently be that helping hand like I've always wanted to be I need to first recognise which pieces are meant to go where before poking my nose in like The Bodacious Bodach. [1]

I wrote this to order my thoughts. Reading over I can really see how muddled my head has been, but it's helped. So if by any chance ANYBODY reads this. Give it a try, writing down these thoughts, especially after you've had a deep chat with one of your closest friends, because it really can release a lot of confusion and frustration and set your head in the right place to slowly begin accomplishing you goals.

Diamond disaster

Leading into the untold memories.
A tale of woe, A childhood released.
A life of torture and incapacity.
Living for what seems like an eternity.

I fear the sounds, the aches I feel.
I dread the clouds that wash over me.
My heart is sound, not blackened beneath,
but my head it pounds, Lost in the sheath.

I'm not the person you may believe.
But I can overcome what made me leave.
I've come back around, with my wreath.
To take away the forgotten, I've come to free.
To help me breathe.

This reality is not as dark as it seems,
Yes the darkness can consume,
It can defy gravity to,
It often seems too awful to be true.
But overcome it you will. You WILL get through.

The tunnel is long and seemingly endless,
It goes on and on and leaves you helpless.
But give in to it and accept the fight,
Learn to crawl in the depths of night,
and just as you feel you can't find your light...
It will wash over you in the blink of an eye.

And here I'll stay to guide,
an earth angel from birth, your connection to the moon.
But you see all things must come to an end,
the good and the bad,
The love of a friend.
One day I won't have a helping hand to lend.
But don't be afraid to chat once again.
The end of the journey, it makes me sad.
although the journey is slowly making me mad.
I can't turn my back on a 'lad'.
You're the best friend I ever had.

And here's a toast,
to the bride and the groom.
My soul will always yearn for you.
Your happiness was so alive and true.
The moment you walked on through.


Where have I gone, I cannot say.
But you will see me another day,
My head is dazed and maybe not okay.
but you know where I lay...

Please don't have another glass of Chardonnay!