Welcome back

I've integrated back into the matrix,
That is all
Give it time
I will reap what I sow
Just watch me
No more will I be confined by other people values and beliefs
I have my own to live by
Keep going
Plod on.

I've dealt with this stuff for many years, seeing beyond the fabric of reality is no easy task, because when you see too much, it can leave a person crippled.
But one thing I failed to acknowledge for so long is that what I was picking up in others wasn't definitive of others but of myself and my own insecurities, this is something I've preached for some time, but i only ever applied it to other people's point of view. No actually that's a lie, I forgot somewhere down the line that it is true for myself also... Like somehow I'm not included in these rules and laws...
But I am, I'm a human after all... And honestly no matter how much you fool yourself of your own authenticity and individualism, you're still just human.
Nothing wrong with that... We're individuals yet we're a collective...

For ages I did not want to drag people into my hole, it was my hole afterall... I felt almost possessive of it... For one I figured the darkness would be too hard for people to bare even in its coated darkness and the light well I tried to share as much of that as possible but then I'm just leading people into that light with no warning of the darkness... Its like telling someone the direction but with no warning of the terrains they'd be encountering... Like telling someone to search for an igloo wearing nothing but some shorts and a tank top.... Setting them up for failure really....

I still have the memories of what occurred, of how my own reality became distorted in my attempts to clutch onto a reality with seemingly much more to offer... But going down that road... It was too much really, it was not sustainable... It was to a world where there was either success or failure.... No middle ground... There was extreme highs and extreme lows... That kind of emotional energy has to yield consequences....

I know through passing that if the body can steady out its frequency and stay in a calm state, not too high and not too low, then the body can become immune to all... Its all about balance... Although some may disagree...

But anyway
.. I'm back...

Went on this grand mental adventure to find myself only to find I've been with myself all along... But even though nothing has really changed... EVERYTHING is different...
I guess I know myself a lot better now
Maybe I'm just crazy hey?
Or maybe I'm completely sane?
I'll let you decide.

For now
I'd like to say goodbye to many things,
Goodbye to a mind without focus
Goodbye to judgements - self imposed and otherwise
Goodbye to the know-it-all attitude I've developed...
Goodbye to fake friends
Goodbye to feeling less than what I am
Goodbye to self-limiting beliefs
And goodbye to my need to control my life completely...
Fact is the beauty of life is the twists and turns of it
The beauty of life is the not knowing
The beauty of life lies in looking beyond the treachery and seeing only gratitude
Seeing the rose from the thorns
Seeing the beauty of the snow instead of the death of the land..
Everything goes full cycle
Things get better then booosh they get worse...
This is okay...

Life would be boring if all was perfect... I truly believe that

That being said I don't plan to head down the self destructive path on purpose ever again
Time to get back on track
See that spiral staircase?
I'm going up it... Not down...

Going down it... Well it didn't feel too good going too deep down...
The pressure squeezed my head too much
It squeezed my heart and chest to a point I couldn't breathe and my hands and arms went all numb...
It felt like I was having a heart attack... That's no good really is it?
That was warning enough...
But then in my treacherous attempt to balance, I just bounced the opposite way, run, run, run, jump, fly.... Fly so high...
Just to reach lower earth orbit and to plummet back down, with my wings damaged and my ego more than bruised....
Just stay on ground for a bit...
Walk around, marvel at what is....
Maybe fly short distances for practise...
Eventually these wings I've sewed back on with golden ethereal thread... They'll build up some more strength and I'll develop more control and we'll all fly again soon...

I have faith in my self.
I trust myself.
And I know that I am enough.
Just as I am.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read the ramblings of a lost little Welsh girl.

It's been a pleasure. 